NORTH VILLAGE I – Sticking his nose in the air at the delivery boxes, Mr. Fancy Pants, Douglas Rumsfeld ’16, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesar’s pizza. “Well, oooh lala, I guess Mr. Culture can’t come down from his high horse to eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses. I see how it is. It would just be a tragedy if his Majesty succumbed to our level,” said Rachel Lynn ’17, adding that Mr. Holier-Than-Thou refused to take a slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “There he is, just standing there on his phone like ‘Look at me! I’m too good for a slice of $4.99 pizza!’ Well let me tell you something, Mr. 21st Century Man, no one else here is too good to eat this crap. You and your fancy pants can’t help but be all hoity-toity and ruin game night for everyone.” At press time, Sir Shiny Shoes continued to lord himself over everyone else by being too sophisticated to enjoy boxed wine.
Originally published in Allegheny College’s The Krampus.