There is no other show as prestigious as the Cumberland Boat Show. But even the most premiere of boating festivals can be ruined if you hear one of these seven things come over the PA system.
- “Will the owner of a gray Honda minivan, license DRG-1484, please move it immediately. It is blocking the boat access. Thank you.”
Oh man, hearing this will never end well. A gray Honda can only mean one thing: Sheila is here to confront Randy and you just know they’re going to make a scene. Also, Randy doesn’t need this drama because he is trying to sell his 1996 WaveRunner today.
- “Just a reminder: Please do not touch the boats without the owner’s permission.”
No one wants to listen to that coming over the sound system. Who’s going around touching boats? You can’t enjoy the festival if you’re worried about someone messing with your own beaut’ that’s out on display. People should know that you don’t do that shit here. Not at this level.
- “Attention folks, please remain indoors for the time being. The seagulls are going for the eyes again.”
Having this announced is the last thing you want to happen. Not only are your plans of spending the day looking at boats completely shot, but it also means the measures that the show’s executive board took to get rid of the birds from the 2011 Cumberland Boat Show were not as effective as they could’ve been.
- “Think about it, you shouldn’t have let him take the boat out. You knew a big storm was coming in. You knew it was getting dark.”
Someone alluding you are responsible for your son’s death would be devastating to hear coming from that loudspeaker. It would undoubtedly stir up those feelings of guilt all over again and ruin the rest of your day.
- “This is a quick public service announcement reminding you to check out our new Jet Ski exhibit!”
Are you fucking kidding? Jet Skis aren’t boats and should have never been allowed in. If you ever hear these words, you will know that the show’s operators sold out to corporate interests and future Cumberland Boat Shows will never be the same.
- “Will everyone gather at the main stage? There’s – there’s been an incident, we are going to put on the news to learn more.”
This would be horrifying if said on the PA system, especially because the announcer didn’t specify what the incident was. Hopefully it ends up being nothing, but no matter what it is, it probably means the rest of the day’s events, including the big race, are canceled.
- “The show will be closing in 15 minutes, and we ask you at this time to please begin to make your way to the exit. Thank you for coming to the Cumberland Boat Show!”
The worst one of the bunch. You never want to hear this one come out of that speaker but it always does, year in and year out. It means you have to hitch up the boat, say goodbye to old friends, and start counting down the days until next year’s show.